Feeling Awkward?

Have you felt awkward lately?

If so, don’t worry, you are not alone. As we collectively rebuild our social and communal lives, many of us are feeling unexpectedly awkward at what were once routine gatherings. A year of social distancing has created psychological distance as well. We are all out of practice.

One friend confided to me that she had people over for drinks, but was so flustered she forgot to serve anything. When she did remember, she realized she didn’t have enough food. A client of mine suddenly found herself flustered at a party, wondering, “What do I do with my hands? Do I make eye contact? Is it rude to move on if I’m bored?”

As if that weren’t enough, the uncertainties about the Delta variant now have us scrambling, once again, to balance safety and well-being, each in our own way. It can be confusing to try to figure out what you’re okay with, let alone what another person is okay with.

Fortunately, you don’t have to retreat to a cave or find solace in a screen. Research has shown that mindfulness and compassion can mitigate the stress of social anxiety, whether the phenomenon is new to you or something you’ve always struggled with. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Adopt a “Growth Mindset”

Because of what scientists call “neuroplasticity” (the ability to change our brains as we learn), shifts in attitude and behavior may be easier than you realize. You can adopt a “growth mindset” by giving yourself room to learn new skills, and by welcoming these awkward moments as opportunities to do so. Yes, you may need to re-learn what to do with your hands at a party. But growth happens outside of our comfort zones; these moments are your mental classroom.

Seeing awkward moments in this way can help you meet them with self-compassion. Rather than thinking, “I can’t do this,” or “I’m just not good at this social interaction stuff,” imagine how a good friend or a caring coach might support you by adding what we call a cognitive reframe: “I’m not good at this yet.”

2. Try Beginner’s Mind

The next time you are talking to a stranger at a gathering, allow yourself to have “Beginner’s Mind.” Can you get curious about the person in front of you? Doing so can take the focus off of yourself. Don’t worry; you don’t need to do this “perfectly.” There is no such thing as a perfect conversation anyway. See if you can allow yourself to be genuinely interested in this other human being, who is probably feeling as unsure as you are.

3. Try Lovingkindness for Yourself

If you’re at a social gathering and you start noticing that your palms are sweating, you are fidgeting, and your pulse is racing, see if you can take a moment for yourself, and silently add some lovingkindness phrases and compassion for yourself (there are guides on how to do this in the Ten Percent app). The best ones that I have found for social anxiety are, “May I be Safe. May I be at Ease, May I be kind to myself even if I’m feeling awkward.”

If you need a little extra support, imagine that a mentor or a loved one is standing with you and literally has your back during this interaction. You can imagine them saying, “May We be Safe, May We be at Ease, May We learn to be more skillful at social interactions.” Imagining that you aren’t alone during an uncomfortable situation can decrease any anxiety you are experiencing.

4. Extend Lovingkindness to the Other Person

You can also silently send lovingkindness to the person you are conversing with, even right in the middle of a conversation (or Zoom call, for that matter). Saying these phrases to yourself, with the other person in mind, can warm up the tenor of the conversation for both of you: “May You be Safe. May You be Well. May You have Ease. May You live in wisdom and compassion.” In my research, we have found that these practices decrease the sense of separateness between self and other, creating an experience of connection and common humanity in someone who may have been a “stranger” just a few minutes ago.

The next time you start feeling tense during a conversation, wherever you are, try these simple and effective interventions. And remember, as long as we are alive, we are all still learning. That may be awkward at times, but it’s also part of the adventure of being alive.