I Can't Stop My Thoughts!

“I can’t meditate, because I can’t stop my thoughts!”

We hear this all the time at Happier, especially from the many new meditators who have joined us this year. I’ve heard it from my students for a decade or two. And it’s especially true in challenging times like these, when, obviously, we all have a lot on our minds.

I have some good news, though. You don’t have to stop your thoughts in order to meditate. That’s just a myth. And in fact, some of the most valuable parts of meditation come precisely when you notice that you’ve been distracted.

Let’s take a look.

1. Thinking is What the Brain Does

First, of course you can’t stop your thoughts! Your brain was designed, by hundreds of thousands of years of evolution, to think. It spots threats and instinctively tries to avoid them. It recognizes things that it wants, and plots various ways to get them. Thinking, feeling, dreaming – this is what it does.

So, when you sit down to meditate, that’s what it continues to do. Human brains are not designed to rest peacefully on a single set of perceptions (like the breath) to the exclusion of all others. Given enough time (which is usually about ten seconds), they will quickly revert to their favorite subjects: avoiding the bad stuff and seeking the good stuff. That is fine. Just notice the brain doing what it does, and come on back, maybe with a sense of humor, knowing that things will eventually settle down. Or not.

2. Don’t Kick Your Own Butt

Which brings me to the second point. The point of mindfulness meditation isn’t to stop thinking. It’s to relate differently to thinking. “It’s not what’s going on – it’s how you relate to it,” in the words of one of our favorite teachers, Sharon Salzberg.

So, when thinking happens, you can just note, “ah—thinking.” And then go back to watching the breath. The point is to relate to what’s going on with a clear, calm, and perhaps loving attitude. Try not to judge yourself for thinking (and if you do, note “judging”). See if you can just notice that it’s happening, notice that you’re lost, and then come back. Kicking your own butt is not the way to happiness. I say this from experience.

There are also some variations on this theme that you can explore. For example, when you’ve thought the same self-judgmental thought for the thirtieth time in the last five minutes, you can note “ah—inner critic” and give yourself a little self-compassion. Or you might make fun of the critic. Or you could notice that the critic’s thoughts aren’t even yours, but are taken from society, family, or culture. These little side-tours can yield some significant insights, even life-changing ones.

And… if you’ve taken too many of them, just come back to the simple stuff. Chest rising, chest falling, pause, begin again.

3. Distraction is the Best Part

Which is actually the point.

To borrow the language from the neuroscience of meditation, whenever you notice that you’re thinking, you’re engaging in the mental activity of “meta-cognition,” which simply means that you’re aware of your thoughts, aware of your mind. You’re “witnessing” whatever thoughts and emotions are arising, rather than simply thinking or feeling them. And meta-cognition is actually the meditation goldmine. 

For example, suppose someone says something hurtful to you. If you’ve built up your meta-cognition capacity over months or years of meditation practice, there’s a good chance that it will be there right in the middle of that conversation or email or Facebook comment. “Ahh—I’m feeling hurt (or anxious, or defensive) right now,” you might notice. “Maybe I’ll wait a minute before responding.”

That is the “meditation superpower” that Dan talks about in his books. And you’d never develop it if all your meditation sessions were quiet and undistracted. If you never had the chance to notice “ahh-thinking!” in your meditation, you’d never build up the meta-cognition muscles, and they’d never kick in when you’re triggered in real life. Getting distracted is the whole point.

4. Except When it Isn’t

Finally, it is true that sometimes, thoughts do slow down to the point where you really can experience your life differently from how you ordinarily do. And it is pretty great.

Chances are, you’ve experienced this already. If not in meditation, then in reading a great book, or watching an absorbing movie, or playing sports, or making love. There are moments where you enter a “flow state” in such a way that the discursive chatter of the mind is significantly quieter than usual. 

The results are often quite delightful. The mind experiences a deep rest, even if it’s occupied with some activity. Colors, flavors, and feelings might seem more vivid.

The trick is, you can’t will yourself into a flow state. You can only focus on the activity itself, to the exclusion of everything else; the rest is up to the brain. In fact, trying to make these states happen is a great way to prevent them from happening.

But they do happen. In meditation, it depends on a lot of different factors, and definitely it’s easier on extended retreats, when the mind has days to settle down. But it might happen in regular life too. You might just sit down and, for whatever reason, the mind is quiet. It might sit naturally on the breath like a trained pet, rather than scurry all over the place like a rambunctious puppy. 

Or you might get distracted a hundred times in ten minutes, and then, in minute eleven, the mind gives up and things get easier. That can feel very rewarding. It almost feels like grace. The key is to just stay with the meditation, calmly, with some loving attention, letting go of self-judgment when it arises, letting go of thoughts as they arise and pass.

These periods of calm are only one of the reasons to practice meditation, and they don’t last very long. But they do offer the possibility of deep rest and renewal. Enjoy them!

Most importantly, though, stop trying to stop thinking! Be kind to yourself, just notice thinking when it arises, and remember that your meditation is more beneficial when you’re distracted anyway. That slow process of retraining the mind, not transitory experiences of calm, is how meditation leads to happiness.