Lean Back

One of the best “wisdom-reminders” I ever received was from Sharon Salzberg, when I was on retreat with her in 2004. We spend a lot of our time leaning way forward into life, she said: with anticipation, excitement, anger, worry. We don’t have to turn these emotions off, but we could just lean back a little bit.

“Lean back” has been a little mantra for me ever since, but especially in the last six months.

Sometimes it’ll pop up in meditation, if I’m trying too hard to have a certain experience. (Pro-tip: silently shouting Calm Down! to yourself does not work.) But more often, it comes up in daily life as I find myself leaning too far forward.

Leaning forward into a conflict; into saying or writing that thing that I really want to express, but that actually isn’t that helpful to express; into comparison; into needing things to be just a certain way, or not another way. It happens all the time. 

So, after years of repetition, Sharon’s phrase is now lodged somewhere in my pre-frontal cortex, where it helpfully reminds me to lean back now and then.

I find that “lean back” is somatically true for me as well. Usually, when I’m leaning forward mentally, I’m leaning forward physically as well: tensing up, bringing my head forward, maybe even actually leaning forward.

So, when I hear that internalized Sharon say “lean back,” I check in with the body as well as the mind. Sure enough, like a ‘tell’ that lets the other poker players know I’m bluffing, my body reveals what’s really going on. 

More recently, “lean back” has taken on new relevance because of the pandemic, our country’s latest wave of reckoning with racial injustice, and now the election. 

I often find myself leaning forward into the unknown future of the pandemic. What will the next few months bring? Will my daughter’s preschool stay open? Will we experience a ‘second wave’? Will we be okay?

“Lean back” is a useful antidote. Of course, some planning, information, and even speculation is useful. Of course, it’s understandable that we all want to know more about when this will ever end. But when I’ve perused eighteen speculative articles on when a vaccine may be ready, it’s probably time to lean back a little. 

Another example? Leaning forward into politics.

Now, if you know me or my work, you know that I’ve worked for years as a journalist – usually as an opinion writer, actually -- and before that as an activist, pushing as hard as I could for the changes I want to see in the world. In short, I am a professional leaner-forward.

So I’m definitely not saying “lean back” in the sense of caring or acting less. Actually, I mean the exact opposite. I don’t see how you can cultivate compassion in meditation, but not feel compassion for people who are suffering out in the world. I think wanting to keep “meditation” and “politics” separate misunderstands what both of those things are about.

But I find my work is more effective and sustainable when I “lean back” out of unhealthy, reactive habits and into more skillful and reflective ones.

At this point in time, for example, I really don’t need to read the latest outrageous news about a certain politician with whom I disagree. I don’t need to be “informed” in that way, and that extra bit of rage doesn’t help anyone.

Instead, when I “lean back” from pointlessly boiling my blood over incendiary tweets, I have more space and time to learn from historically marginalized voices, Black voices, and the voices of those who don’t have the luxury of separating “politics” from their everyday lives. 

Leaning back out of reactive hate-scrolling allows me to lean into learning and growing.

Leaning back also means that I also don’t need to argue with staunch supporters of that particular well-known politician, even if I’m biologically related to them. There is literally no point in doing so. The data proves it: staunch supporters will not be swayed by anything I say.

So, instead of wasting my energy on Facebook comments, we can channel it to work that might actually have an impact.

Like what? If you have money, then donating money, and then more money, and then more. If you have time, then signing up to be a poll worker, doing get-out-the-vote work in key states, maybe making phone calls or writing postcards. Or maybe gently asking if your friends have a plan to vote (by mail or in person) and helping them if they don’t. Or maybe having conversations with folks who are open to them. Or maybe supporting your friends who are out protesting and working hard. 

But all that depends on leaning back from the pointless stuff. If I can choose my battles instead of fighting whoever is in front of me, I might actually win some of them.

“Leaning back” might also mean the opposite: engaging more, getting in the ‘muck’ of politics more, and allowing uncomfortable emotions to exist.

When I notice I’m getting alienated, offended, angry, self-righteous, arrogant, judgmental, dismissive, triggered, or irritated because Someone Said Something On The Internet it’s time to lean back out of that mind-state and see what’s going on for me. 

If I think someone is being “too political,” what does that mean for me? What am I trying to defend? What am I trying to escape from? What emotion is present that I don’t want to feel? 

If I disagree with something someone said and get angry, does that anger have to be expressed? Do I have to agree with everything that everyone says in my special, politics-free ‘safe space’? Okay, someone is politically to my left or to my right. Is that intolerable? Or is it perhaps an opportunity to lean back, practice some mindfulness, and see what’s going on inside?

I’m glad “lean back” is lodged in my brain. It’s a reminder I need to hear every day, but especially these days. 

Come to think of it, is there a way you could lean back, right now?